Happy Labor Day Weekend, all.
Odd little quandary, this one. Appreciate insights, inputs, advice.
I've been in my current role and company for about 15 months now. My boss is a Sr Director, with 20 years with the company. Going through the performance appraisal cycle, I spoke candidly with her about how I've never received positive or negative feedback from her at all and would have really appreciated that to continue feeling motivated and reassured, given today's high-churn environment, that I'm on the right track. Here's how this played out:
1) Re. constructive / negative feedback - She's told me before how she's struggled giving this in her career - coming from a conflict-avoiding family background. In response, I've tried to make things easier by openly asking her for suggestions / advice where, given my newness to the company and its executives, I really do need some constructive coaching around political land-mines. In spite of that, she has really not been able to do so. Recently, a Sr VP, my boss' boss' boss, called me in for a 1:1 and delivered (very gently and nicely) some feedback that actually resulted from a conversation he had with my boss. Bizarre. I went back to her and tactfully discussed how I would much prefer to have my feedback from my boss than from 3 levels above. Since then, she's gone a bit overboard and started telling me stuff that isn't entirely accurate - e.g. passing on "feedback" from my 3 Sr Managers and HR - which they're all telling me they did not provide. I think this is her way of trying to soften her feedback - by attributing it to others. But, it's really concerning that she feels the need to do so. To the point that, once when we were having a general conversation and her boss walked into the room, she suddenly switched topics and started, in a loud voice, coaching me re. how to approach one of my analysts - totally unrelated to the topic we had been discussing earlier. She did not even give me a chance to explain that she had mis-read the situation as she'd walked in half-way and I was actually commiserating with the analyst's frustration, not berating.
2) Re. positive feedback - This one was even more bizarre. She said that she was afraid that giving me positive feedback would make me want to take on more work and she was concerned about my workload. So, she didn't want to encourage me further.
I am stumped here, friends. How do I manage this professionally without having to go to her boss or to HR? Two of my peers have told me that they have also experienced this lack of feedback in the 2 years they've reported to her. I have healthy self-esteem and can plough through knowing I'm doing okay without a lot of stroking. However, the bizarreness around how she's now started trying to deliver constructive feedback is worrying me - from 3 levels above, or in front of her boss or attributed to sources inaccurately.
Thanks in advance.
Thanks for the feedback!
Jen,
Two things strike me about your post:
1. It seems to me that you have asked your boss to provide feedback and she has done so in the way in which SHE is most comfortable. Even if she's making up a scenario where she's pretending that it's someone else's feedback and not her own, you are getting feedback. The proper response to feedback is always, "Thanks for the feedback, boss!" If she sees that you are receptive to it, she will be more comfortable with providing feedback on an ongoing basis.
At the conference Mark was talking about the "blah blah blah" portion of feedback, which is when you give feedback and your direct tells you all the reasons why you're wrong. When you say, "She did not even give me a chance to explain that she had mis-read the situation ..." it reminds me of the blah blah blah part of feedback. The answer is ALWAYS, simply, "thank you," regardless of whether you agree with the feedback or not.
2. So few people in the working world actually give feedback, I'm having a difficult time visualizing what you might say to HR as a complaint. I agree that it's bizarre that your boss is shielding you from extra work (!), but going to HR about not receiving feedback sounds like using a rocket launcher to kill a house fly. The fact is, almost no one gives feedback. My boss actually attended the MT conference and I NEVER get feedback.
Try to hang in there and be open to the feedback from your boss whenever it does come your way.
Kate
Thanks, Kate
You make very good points - that many people don't give feedback to begin with. And, yes, I also picked up that she's trying to do so in the most comfortable way for her. So, accept the feedback and move on. Yes. Tough to do, but, yes.
I was thinking of approaching HR about the fact that it makes me uncomfortable to hear feedback attributed to the wrong sources. It actually created some intensity between me and my DRs at first - but, we talked it through (that's how I found out that they had not given the feedback they were being credited with having given). Not comfortable going to HR either, so I may just sit down with the boss about it in a professional, calm way and share why it's causing me concern. We'll see.
Still - bizarre.....
It sounds like you are
It sounds like you are looking for confirmation on what you are doing well and guidance on what could be done better. It also sounds like you're trying to change your boss's behaviors because you don't understand or disagree with them.
1. Don't try to change your boss. I expect you've seen several of the threads touting that advice...maybe even the podcast about it.
2. Get the feedback you're looking for from somewhere else. Do you have a mentor? Why not reach out to a senior leader in your company for some mentoring? If you haven't already, check out the Basics of Mentoring and How to Be a Mentor podcasts. I would advise steering clear of discussions with any mentor about how your manager provides feedback; the mentoring should be about your performance.
Best wishes,
-Jazz